Severed Ways: The Norse Discovery of America (2007)

Director: Tony Stone

I'll be completely honest.  I did NOT watch this all the way through.  In fact I probably got about 30 minutes in and skimmed the rest.  Why did I do this?  Because this HAS to be the WORST movie I have EVER seen.

I've seen alot of crap.  In fact, I like alot of crap.  But, this movie is unredeamable.  OK, imagine this.  You travel back in time and find two "Vikings" stuck in North America.  You give them a cam corder and show them how to use it and leave.  This movie is what you get back.  Now, that sounds even more exciting than I meant it to be.  There is NO story here.  No action.  Nothing of interest.

To make matters worse.  Apparently there was hardcore Thrash-metal music back then that the "vikings" were able to put into their movie and headbang around.

I thought about adding a screencap of the scene where one of the vikings takes a literal dump right on camera but I thought I'd spare you.

I hated this movie so much, I couldn't even work up the desire to take my own screenshots.  So you'll have to make due with internet gathered shots.

There really is no cast list, I don't know who's who, nore do I care.  Avoid this like the plague.

300 (2006)

In the Battle of Thermopylae of 480 BC an alliance of Greek city-states fought the invading Persian army in the mountain pass of Thermopylae. Vastly outnumbered, the Greeks held back the enemy in one of the most famous last stands of history. Persian King Xerxes lead a Army of well over 100,000 (Persian king Xerxes before war has about 170,000 army) men to Greece and was confronted by 300 Spartans, 700 Thespians and other Slave soldiers. Xerxes waited for 10 days for King Leonidas to surrender or withdraw left with no options he moved. The battle lasted for about 3 days and after which all 300 Spartans were killed. The Spartan defeat was not the one expected, as a local shepherd, named Ephialtes, defected to the Persians and informed Xerxes of a separate path through Thermopylae, which the Persians could use to outflank the Greeks.

Director: Zack Snyder

First of all, If you haven't seen this movie, then what the heck are you doing reading my blog?  Seriously though, anyone interested in fantasy movies has to have already seen this movie.  Therefore, I'm going to say very little about it.

300 is one of my favorite modern movies of all time.  It does not matter how historically inaccurate it is.  It's loaded with balls-out action, blood, nudity, and pretty good writing to boot.

The film never seems to slow down, and you should be on the edge of your seat at every moment.  I'm not saying that anyone should have one an Oscar for this (besides the effects team maybe).  It's just a kick ass flick.

If for some ungodly reason you have not seen this movie, GO RENT IT NOW!!

The Cast

 Gerard Butler ... King Leonidas

Lena Headey ... Queen Gorgo

 David Wenham ... Dilios

Vincent Regan ... Captain

Tom Wisdom ... Astinos

Michael Fassbender ... Stelios

Rodrigo Santoro ... Xerxes

Dominic West ... Theron

Andrew Tiernan ... Ephialtes

 Andrew Pleavin ... Daxos

Peter Mensah ... Messenger

Usual Bonus

Sword of War (2009)

German Emperor Barbarossa will stop at nothing to conquer and build his empire. But a young man from Milan, along with his army of 900 men known as the Company of Death, is prepared to challenge the Emperor.

Once again, the plot summary makes this movie sound WAY better than it really is.  Sword of War is an Italian movie shot in both English and Italian.  The version I saw dubs the Italian language out.  I can't say if there is a version that does the opposite. 

Besides the fact that this is a medieval epic of a movie, what drew me to it was the presence of Rutger Hauer.  Hauer is obviously getting up there in years, but he's still Rutger Hauer.  Unfortunately, even he can't save this snore-fest of a movie.

All I can say is that I'm thankful my blu-ray player has a fast forward in 1.5x.  It allows me to still hear the dialogue, only in faster speed.  It was really the only way I could get through this movie.  Now besides being absent a lot of the elements I enjoy in a movie; violent action, nudity, humor, this just plain wasn't done very well. 

The only aspect of the film that I'll give props to was the cinematography which was absolutely beautiful at times.  However, I can't help but feel this is often the case when dealing with a period film shot in Europe.

One other thing I did actually enjoy about Sword of War was the main actor Raz Degan.  Mr. Raz really had a certain charisma about him that I gave attention to.  Raz Degan Is the main Hero opposite Hauer's Villain.  I can't say he's a wonderful actor, I just felt he had great charisma.  Another standout was actress Kasia Smutniak, not because she was a great actress, but she was definitely pleasant for mine eyes to look at.  If only... well.  Nope, no nudity in this flick.

Towards the end of the movie, Sword of War really tries to be Braveheart and pretty much fails at it.  The final battle sequence, however was the most enjoyable part of the movie.  I haven't quite figured out if I like the digital gore in movies today or not.  But the pace did pick up at least.

All in all, I'd definitely say you can skip this one.  Unless you love Italian films, or have to see everything Rutger Hauer (Like Me).  I wish I had passed this one up, because this movie could take my 2 hours away from me, but it couldn't take my FREEDOM!!!!!

Cast

Rutger Hauer ... Federico Barbarossa

Raz Degan ... Alberto da Giussano

Cécile Cassel ... Beatrice di Borgogna

Kasia Smutniak ... Eleonora

F. Murray Abraham ... Siniscalco Barozzi

Federica Martinelli ... Tessa

Amazons and Gladiators (2001)

Director/Writer: Zachary Weintraub

During the Roman Empire, General Crassius ruled a small province with an Iron fist. Serena, a young girl in a village, watches Crassius kill her parents. Crassius and Serena's destiny would lead them to the Gladiator ring; the Amazons Warrior vs the Roman General.

Rome + Spartacus - $$ - Good Acting = Amazons and Gladiators.  No Buts seriously this is not that bad.  In fact I kind of enjoyed it.  There's really no great story here.  The acting isn't very good.  The action scenes are pretty terrible.  There's nudity, but not enough of it.  However...

However, there's some charm here.  Take out the nudity and you'd have yourself a fairly good Syfy Saturday afternoon flick.  The story is typical.  Girls family dies at the hands of villain.  Girl Grows up, becomes hot, and seeks out said villain and gets revenge.

There's really no big stand-out here as far as acting goes.  I'd like to say Patrick Bergin phone's it in.  But, looking at Mr. Bergin's film career, he really has not done that much good work.  Realistically I'd say Nichole Hiltz stands out above the rest.  She's pretty hot too although I think Melanie Gutteridge It much cuter.

The sets and production are pretty terrible, as this movie is obviously pretty low budget.  I know it sounds like I'm totally ripping on this movie and then telling you I enjoyed it, but well... I guess that's what I'm doing.  I can't quite pinpoint why I enjoyed it.  It's got quirky little charming moments and It doesn't take itself too seriously.

Overall I'd recommend you check out Amazons and Gladiators, just know what you're in for and don't expect Gladiator or even Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

The Cast

 Nichole Hiltz ... Serena

Melanie Gutteridge ... Briana

Jennifer Rubin ... Ione

Richard Norton ... Lucius

Patrick Bergin ... Crassius